The Truth Inside The Box

The Truth

justagirlinvegas — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:42:56 +0000

So there it is… the truth. Here is my truth, my life is a lie. Its just like the title implies. My life is a very beautifully wrapped box. I have the american dream on the outside. It is all as pretty as a picture. But on the inside, its all lies. I am lonely, and unloved and uncared about. I have no sense of security or worth. It is empty. I am empty. There is nothing real about any of it. I sit alone every night in my pretty house, lonely and sad and scared. I hate the idea of even going to bed because it feels so cold and empty in my room. I do not even remember the last time I had a real hug from someone, like a real hug not just a friendly half ass hug. The closest is from my one year old and I am not dismissing that, I love that but I need more then that. The thing is I should have known better. I should have been better then this and known better. I should have been smarter. Everyone lies, everyone hurts, everyone leaves and could give a shit less. That is the truth of it. That is the truth in the box. And I hate myself for being so stupid and I hate myself for wrapping the fucking box, for keeping the pretending going, putting on a show. More then that I hate myself for ever being foolish enough to open myself up to this. I know better. I knew better. Deep down I knew better. I knew that youshould never let people in enough to do real damage. No one, not lovers or friends or even family. They are all the same when it comes down to it, everyone is human and this is what humans do. Hurt, lie, destroy and pretend. No more, not for me. I am not as young as I used to be and I dont have the luxury to keep being a fucking moron. This is not a guy thing or a girl thing. Its not a lovers quarrel or family squabble. This is universal. It was easier to not look inside the box and just admire the outside but I urge anyone reading to take a hard look at the truth inside of your box… be warned you might not like what you see and you might decide you are ready to toss out the pretty box for a version more reflective of the real truth. So there it is.. my truth. I am a sad, lonely, unloved, uncared for girl sitting in a pretty box. More to follow, wish me luck.

Well crap….

justagirlinvegas — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 10:09:56 +0000

Have you ever had a period of time in your life where there are millions of things going on but it seems like everything is going in slow motion and almost like nothing is really happening? Almost like your brain has decided that it can’t take it all anymore so it just turns everything into a slow motion movie that you just start watching instead of actively participating in and even the smallest decisions leave you with a giant question mark…that is kind of where I am at right now. I have so many things I am trying to juggle and I know now that I am not really juggling them well. I know that I have decisions to make and things to do but I I am having trouble getting motivated to do anything… There is no one thing in particular just everything. Buying a house is way more complicated then I thought it would be, not to mention how stressful and frustrating it is. I knew it would be hard but not like this and I did not realize how emotionally taxing it would be. To be honest a big part of me is ready to just give up and say fuck it I am done and I cannot take another minute of this shit. And all the waiting… I am not a good waiter…I have tried to be hopeful and optomistic but I have to say that has faded, I do not know at this point if I am being pessimistic or realistic. There are problems with everything and decisions to make and my brain is mush. I am having trouble finding classes bc of budget cuts and even if I do get into them they do not go towards my degree, there is that little left and on top of that they are having problems with the financial aid so I do not know if it is even going to go through in time to pay for classes and me to get my books and shit. Then there is the worry of the girls starting middle school. I am tempted to put them into an online home school program. I worry just thinking about the things that go on in middle school and the kind of trouble they could get into. I mean the shit I did and no one had a clue… I still kept my grades up and looked like I was just fine… meanwhile I was cutting gym to smoke a blunt….if I even went. Shit it was in middle school I found I had a taste for vodka… but my parents had no idea and I am sure I would be oblivious to the girls doing it. My reasons are different for each of them. Sarah wants to be popular and fit in with everyone and she will do whatever it takes for that to happen I think… that leads to trouble. Anna does not care so much about fitting in, she will be herself no matter what. Kids are vicious though and being an original is not always seen as a good thing with kids their age… I do not want her getting picked on or her thinking she has to change. She is already having some… issues. Issues that she tries to hide and no one would ever know about, including me.Until you notice the scars…started with one, then another one….now I am not even sure how many she has and I know she still does it. I know people see them on her. I know what that is like, I just hid it better. I feel like sometimes she is screaming inside for me to hear her and understand and help her but she won’t talk to me about it… I do not know how to help her or get her to let me in…and it is my fault. The apple did not fall far from the tree…that scares me. They are both so smart and beautiful and Sarah is so full of life and drive and Anna is so funny and so witty and they both are so caring. I do not want anything to change them. I wonder if home schooling would close them off or protect them. I don’t know. This is only the start but it is late and I am hoping to get some sleep and have droned on for over 700 words…more later. Good night all, hope your dreams are sweet ones.

Its over

justagirlinvegas — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 06:56:34 +0000

Its over. If I keep pretending I will die, I already feel like I am half gone. He took everything in me that I had and I thought it would be okay and that it would all work out in the end… I was wrong. He proposed a long time ago, the ring is in my purse. I needed him to say that I was the only one for him, the one he wanted to be with, something to let me know where I stood and what I was to him bc he doesn’t show it and he can’t do that and says he never will. I knew it, I have known it for so long now but I thought if I held on long enough, if I could pretend well enough it would work anyway but it is killing me. I knew it, I am smarter then this or at least I thought I was, I guess I havent learned as much as I thought I have. Maybe I just wasnt strong enough before but now its about survival. If I don’t leave now I will stay this way forever,sad and lonely and an empty shell of what I was and what I want to be. I have to find the strength, I have to do what is best for me and my kids and I can’t look back. I have proven myself stronger then I ever thought in the last year… I can do this. Please give me the strength to not get sucked back in again. I kept letting it happen and it never made anything better. It just made me lose more of myself everytime…. I have to keep reminding myself of that. If I lose anymore of myself I will be gone completely and never be able to get back. I can walk away knowing I tried and knowing more of what I need and want and knowing I stood up for what I hold dear to me.

So now what?

justagirlinvegas — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 09:10:00 +0000

Well after anxiously waiting for what seems like forever, we finally got the answers. The girls did not get into any magnet schools. They were wait listed which makes the chances slim to none at this point. So now what? They are both disappointed. Anna does not want to go to either school that she could be zoned for and I do not want them to go there either. As soon as she found out she asked about being in an online home school program. I have mixed feelings about that. I think that the social aspect of school is important. I also think that if the girls were together all day long they might kill each other, hell I might kill them if I was with them all day every day. Plus both of the girls are in extracurricular activities and that is something they enjoy. There is still the possibility of moving before the start of the new school year but that is going to be tricky. **sigh** Parenting just keeps getting trickier. The options are limited but I have to explore all of them and try to figure out what will work best.

On to another subject, I have a big project due for religious studies. I have to find or create a piece of sacred art and then write an essay on why it is sacred… yep drawing a blank. I do not know art that well. I know what I like and what I don’t. Most “religious” art is from religions I do not follow. Plus something is sacred because you make it sacred. I could draw a sad clown and say it is sacred to me and who could really argue? On second thought I think my art abilities are lacking to the point that a sad clown might be out of my reach. I could draw some stick figures and some shapes… So I have been looking through art books and searching online and I have found many many great pieces of art and many many that I do not find so great. None of them seem sacred or essay worthy to me though. I could pick something and just BS it as I have BS’ed many essays before and gotten good grades on them. For some reason I just do not want to do that with this one. No clue why… just don’t. So again I ask now what?

And then there is part of me that needs to just let go. That wants to just get up and go. I want to just let go… I want to forget the rest of the world and just be for a little while. Take a little breather, then come back with a fresh perspective. I guess alot of people want that. It seems like it should be easier to get. Am I too old to go to a club now? What about going to a good punk concert and drinking crappy beer? Is that still okay? I guess I have to decide that for myself. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have fun dancing around my house picking things up while I listen to my Ipod but I am looking for a little more than that. I will figure it out and then go out and do it and figure out the girls school situation and my art project thing but for now, Mason is crying… goodnight all. Sweet dreams and let go a bit today, you can thank me later

Anxiously awaiting….

justagirlinvegas — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 10:23:32 +0000

Most days if the mail is checked, you turn the key and the mail box practically explodes it is so full of mail from a week or so. I think our mailman has even not delivered mail before until the thing was empty. This has not been the case lately though. Lately the mail is checked before the mailman leaves the apartment complex. The reason for this is because the females in this household are obsessed with getting acceptance letters from Magnet schools. We put in the applications a couple months ago and they are sending out the invitations to attend this month, if you get accepted. I am going to say what you are not supposed to say… the middle schools here are meant for the majority, the majority being not as smart as my girls. This is not just the mom in me talking, it is just a fact. I am not even going to say they got it from me. (Although I know they did not get it from their father; he was hot as fuck but dumb as rocks) So hopefully I had something to do with it. But really, both their teachers strongly recommended them going to Magnet schools, they get fantastic grades, they test in the highest percentage for all state tests, even scoring perfectly occasionally. They have great attendance and a perfect record of never getting into trouble in school and being in as many extra curricular activities as they can. They are what Magnet schools look for… but I know they are not the only ones. There are other kids just as smart and smarter. So you can apply for up to 3 Magnet schools a year (we did) and if they have too many qualified applicants then it goes to a lottery type system, you have to hope your kid (in my case kids) get their names pulled out of a hat. So now we wait…. I have to say that I am extremely proud of my girls and I could not ask for better in school…they can be demons at home but that is a different story. I know how important education is and what a lack of it can do. They are smart, I know they can get far. However, if left to the general educational system and the school they would go to if I do not find an alternative… nothing good can come from it. It will be a bad influence on them, it will not challenge them and it will do nothing to get them into better high schools and then a good college. I cannot give them everything I would like to but this is one thing I will not bend on. They will get the education they deserve and that will best prepare them for the future and I will do whatever it takes to make sure of it. So I am starting to work on what other options I have if they do not get into any of the Magnet schools. I do not think I could afford a private school, though I would try if I had to. I could get them rezoned if I am lucky. Most likely it would mean moving right after they finish this year and getting them set up in the best district I possibly could, though I am not sure how much that would do. Most of the middle schools here are lacking at best. Then you take in how many have frequent instances of drugs and fights… it leaves very few that I feel comfortable with. I do not want my girls to get into the same kind of trouble that I did. I hung out with alot of the wrong people, did drugs, snuck out… I want more for them. They can do so much more then I could ever imagine doing and it is my job to make sure I get them off to the best start and give them every edge I can right? Isn’t that what any good mother tries to do? So right now that is what I am worrying about and working on… the right school for each of the girls. And before anyone asks, if they want to go to different middle schools to suit what they want to do and I can make it happen then yes that is the way it will be. It will be a little tricky getting used to school functions and after school things at two different schools but… they are two completely different people with different strengths and interests and different schools might be the best way they both get the most they can out of school. So that is what is happening here right now. That and I got the sweetest compliment today… I will keep the details to myself but thank you for that. I don’t get them nearly enough and that was definitely a good one.** Be still my beating heart** makes me smile even now…. hope you all had a good night and an even better tomorrow… sweet dreams

I don’t have a clever title for you today, sorry I will work on it…

justagirlinvegas — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 09:04:26 +0000

Okay so it has been months and months since I have updated here. Yes I have been busy, and I did not have much to say some days or did not know how to say it. I am going to make more of an effort because well… I need this, especially lately. This is my sounding board, my venting space, my place to let it all hang out. So here is the very quick cliff notes to get you back to speed. So most importantly, I had my baby boy on September 14th, two weeks ahead of schedule. His name is Mason, he just turned 6 months old and he is happy, healthy, bouncy bundle of baby. He lights up everyday, just as my girls continue to do. A few weeks after having him I had an apartment fire that was pretty bad and was forced to move into another apartment. Not fun with a newborn and a healing c-section. I finished my first semester back to school with very good grades and I am currently in the middle of my second semester and doing well so far, though I have changed my focus to early childhood education and plan on going for a degree in that as opposed to an AA degree. Wise choice I think. So I think that pretty much sums it up in the short version. I have definately felt change all around me. On the one hand I am terrified because I feel like I am walking into completely uncharted territory. On the other hand though, I feel alive and like I am finally moving towards what I want. I am not even completely sure what I want yet but I know I am starting to figure it out and that is the first step right? A large part of me feels empowered and though I am still trying to figure things out I am not stagnant anymore. I am changing and I am always working towards a bigger picture and that feels so incredibly good. It is a strange feeling really. I have no idea where I am going to end up down the road but I am okay with that. I might not know where exactly I am going but at least I am moving, something I was not doing before. I am narrowing the list of things I know I do not want in my life and that is helping me figure out what really matters to me. I am finding out what is important and what my must haves for life are. One of the biggest things I have realized is that I need passion. Not just in that way you dirty birds! In that way and in every other way. I need a passion for life, for what I am doing job wise, I want to be passionate about the person I am with romantically, and I need them to be passionate about me. I am trying to surround myself with people and things that inspire me and challenge me and it is work doing it but so well worth it! My biggest problem right now with all this change is that as fast as my mind and ideas go my body is having trouble keeping up. I feel it a little more everyday with some days definately being harder then others. I am working with my doctors and trying to get it together but it is taking a toll. The sad thing is I still try very hard to not let on to anyone that it is getting worse. I try to keep smiling and not mention it but it is getting harder and I think it might be starting to show. I don’t know why I don’t really tell anyone close to me about it. I really want them to know, not just know but understand, maybe that is part of the problem. I am willing to admit I am not completely blameless in my health issues. I mean sure Lupus and degenerative bone loss take their toll… but I know I do not get nearly enough sleep, I stress way too much, I do not eat as healthy as I could or should, and I could not survive a day without Pepsi… And to those who say well fix it I have this to say… I have two 11 going on 16 year old girls, a very demanding 6 month old, a house to keep up with, never ending laundry, a full time course load at school, and no matter how much I push I still go to bed with a million things still to do. So there you go. That is the way things are right now… but I am going to make sure I keep up with this, even if it is only once or twice a week. I am going to try for everyday but we will see. It is part of the whole me changing thing, I need this now more than ever and as always I am open to suggestions and advice on anything and everything. Sleep tight whoever is reading!

Well today has really sucked

justagirlinvegas — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 08:38:20 +0000

As I am sure you can tell from the title, today has not been the best of days. The worst part is that it started off fine. I was in a good mood, had a fairly uneventful day, girls were the norm for the most part, loud but no major issues… then the fiance gets home…. He was not in a good mood and it only got worse. I really do not know what is up with him anymore. He doesn’t want to have anything he needs to do after work and today he wanted to complain about having to do things on the weekend to…. let me think here… don’t want to get stuff done on weekdays or weekends… things still have to get done so where does that leave things? On top of that I have been stuck in the house for a while with only a brief trip to the grocery store (woo hoo) and so have the girls. Its not the easiest thing in the world. I love my kids but all day everyday for summer break can be taxing on me and they get a little stir crazy too. We had to go to Walmart for a few things, I said we should just bring them, they could burn off some energy looking around at random crap and all that. He didn’t like that but they came anyway. Before this he was complaining that he just wanted to hurry up and go and get it done and all that, he was saying this while I was still trying to finish dinner… Once at walmart his bad mood stuck around and he said no frivilous spending which he does way more then myself, he also did not want to let myself or the girls look at anything and was just being a whiny bitch the whole time. now keep in mind he has kept me in gamestop looking at crap he wanted to for over an hour more then once while i felt so sick i wanted to lay down in a corner and die… So why didn’t he just leave us and go on his own and get the couple things we needed? That is a very good question that I have no answer to. He is still complaining about having things to do on his weekend, keep in mind not a weekend goes by that he does not go out and do something (minus me and kids) or on some weekends several somethings…having to take the dogs to the groomer, he told me to make the appointment and i said i would cancel and find a way to get them there during the week while he is at work but that was me being a bitch. I also wanted to switch the rooms around, not ours, but have the girls go into the room that my brother is in and him into theirs. Not just for fun but for a reason. You see I found out today that one of my hooligan children had boys knocking on her window last night and has snuck a friend into the window. I didn’t know that was possible but after looking at it, it is. Now I had a room I could sneak in and out of and I know what kind of shit I did and well…no. I plan on stopping that immediately. I wasn’t thinking oh weekend will be easier. The girls are on break and jeremy doesn’t have anything to do so it didn’t matter when it was done. In my mind, here is the problem…lets fix it. They need a day to get their crap ready to be moved so tomorrow seemed good. He never helps much on weekends and I wasn’t really counting on him to help. When he complined about it I was confused honestly. I was not counting on his help at all, I have found that even if I say something needs to get done on a weekend he does not do it or does not help at all. Like cleaning our room, the closet (I got annoyed and started that one on my own) putting the baby stuff away(again did that alone) carpets…. any of these things I have been saying and he has not helped or attempted to help get done on weekdays or weekends. So he is going to want to get walmart done right this second while I am eating dinner? Fuck him and fuck that… he wanted it done so quick he could go on his own. But then he would bitch about that. So really its a losing situation no matter what I do. Anyway it just kept going and going, after we got home getting more and more into it to the point that I was so annoyed and so stressed out that I just told the girls get your shoes on, we are leaving and walking out.No car, no ride, maybe a dollar to my name and just walked out, 8 months pregnant and with the girls in tow at like 1030 or 11 at night. Needless to say things in my relationship are getting worse and worse, they have been. We have huge problems that blow up and then he tries to act as though everything is fine and we just pretend for a while and then it blows up again. I am really getting tired of this shit. I thought I had made that clear but either he doesnt get it or doesnt care. Things need to change or I am done, this isn’t even a relationship anymore and it hasn’t been for a while. I already feel alone in it, so why stick it out? It has turned from a relationship to just another thing on my long list of shit I have to deal with….

Busy and more busy and computer is being unfriendly …

justagirlinvegas — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 09:28:53 +0000

So as always it has been a while since I have written anything. I wish I could stick with it more than I have. Writing in here really is theraputic, it just seems to always fall to the back burner. I have actually been very busy lately so that makes me feel at least alittle better about my M.I.A. act. On top of that my computer has recently decided it does not want to charge very well so its kind of a touch and go as to if it will work and for how long. That being said I should get on to why I have been so busy…

First of all there is the normal of the girls being out of school for summer break which has been more than a handful. There is always the family life and house and relationship and all that fun stuff. Then on top of that there is the whole bun in the oven thing. Yep in case you missed it or forgot since its been so long, I am very pregnant. As of right now it is looking like the c-section will be scheduled for the 21st of September. As if pregnancy and getting ready for a baby isn’t enough, this particular pregnancy has had lots of problems and challenges and for some reason it seems like getting ready for this baby has been so much harder then I thought. My mind has constantly been full of a million things at once and my body is having trouble keeping up. I am tired as soon as I wake up and my whole body hurts. Among the many things going through my mind are am I going to be able to handle it all? Will I have time for the girls and the baby and life? What am I going to do with a baby boy? Thats completely new to me…. Will I have everything ready in time? What else do I need to get and do before he comes? Plus thinking about the surgery and hospital stay itself is scary as hell… The list goes on and on and on and on… Then I am trying to get the house in order and things all ready and its not going as smoothly as I would have hoped and I am not having as much help from people who should be. (Or at least in my mind should be) As if that was not crazy enough I am also starting school at the end of August.So yep, start school after 10 or 11 years and 3 weeks later go have a baby. **sigh** I am going to have my hands full, very very full. I worry about being able to handle it all and being able to not just get by but to do it well. To be a good mom, the kind of hands on mom I want to be, doing well in school, keeping my relationship going, still having time for my family and for myself…. its alot to take on. I know this and I knew it going into it but the closer it gets to time the scarier it gets. So thats what is going on lately, well at least the short version of things. So there we go… I do need to try to write more. It will do me some good and help me keep my mind a bit more organized. I know that sounds insane but it really does. It lets me get things out and kind of vent and work things out in my head. Anyway I am going to call it a night for now and finish this up tomorrow. I will be back I promise… goodnight all….

This is life… I guess

justagirlinvegas — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 06:37:09 +0000

I am not even going to attempt to explain why I haven’t written in such a long time, I could go on about how busy things have been and blah blah blah but the truth is yeah, I could have found the time to write in here. So yeah thats all on that. Unfortunately I come to you with somewhat of a bitchfest this time around. What can I say? This blog is my friend when no one else is there, my confidant, my sounding board, and my only place for any kind of release anymore. Lets start with the fact that this whole pregnancy and baby thing is absolutely terrifying me. Yep thats right, go ahead and judge me, you can’t possibly come up with anything worse than I already have. Yes I have two kids already and have gone through pregnancy before. I have also always loved babies and kids and have been around them pretty much my whole life. But… my kids are 10. I babysit and its not 24/7. My first pregnancy was easy or at least easier. I did not have nearly the problems I have had so far. I also didn’t feel so quite… alone, which is odd because I tried very hard to hide and deny my first pregnancy for 6 or 7 months. This one showed a bit quicker… don’t get me wrong thats not the part that bothers me. Granted I do wonder if I am gaining too much weight or if I will be able to lose the baby weight but thats really so far from the top of my list that they don’t even really register 99% of the time. My girls have been the center of my universe for 10 years.. I can’t imagine having another one enter into the same category as them. Plus babies are alot different then a 10 year old. Granted they each come with their own sets of problems but I was just getting used to the 10 year old set of problems and issues. Now I am going back to baby issues? Am I insane? I always thought I would have more kids but now that its here I am seriously questioning my ability to handle it. And another thing (and I feel so fucking guilty about it) is 10 year olds are much more self reliable than a baby. Of course they cannot completely take care of themselves but I was just starting to get my own life back some. Its been a slow process that has been really hard to find a balance between them and a life of my own and I really thought I was finally starting to get it down. (I am slow sometimes what can I say?) But I had plans. I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to find some friends that were not across the country and fit my life a little better. I like taking naps when I want to. I like staying up late to watch something without worrying about a baby waking up and me missing half of it. Okay to be fair on that one, I end up missing half of shit with 10 year olds but still… I was finally starting to figure things out a bit and get myself back. My relationship has had its ups and downs and lately there is a serious lack in the attention department. And with a baby coming? Thats not going to help things. I know that I will be doing the lions share of the baby taking care of. He thinks being involved is going with me to the appointments. He can bug me and poke fun of me and blame hormones and ignore all the shit I am going through all he wants as long as he drives the 2 minute drive to the doctors office. And as for sex…well… wait give me a second and I am sure it will come back to me….nope I am drawing a blank here… The room was tonights beast. You would think he would try to make things easier for me. The way the room is right now its impossible for me to get to any baby stuff and after being cut open and sewn back together its not going to be any easier. (Before you ask,yes I have 3 bedrooms but right now my brother is still staying in the 3rd room so….) Well I want to move it around so we have more room and so I can hopefully get to stuff easier. First he is calling my ideas stupid… I don’t like this. If you don’t like my idea fine say so but don’t say its stupid bc you don’t like it. then he has been on this kick to clean out and get rid of everything we don’t need or use, anything taking up extra space. So we have been doing this. However his desk and all that? Well he refuses to face it to a wall, it has to stick out in the middle of the room.Does this make sense to anyone? He claims he doesn’t want to face the wall…understandable except for the whole your sitting on the damn computer looking at the screen! I mean seriously what the fuck???? Not to mention the fact that if you walk into the bedroom it doesnt even look like its my room at all. GRRRRRRR My mom just called and reminded me to settle (Jeremy told her we were arguing) so I don’t start popping a baby out… good point really. I’d feel better if I smacked him….but thats probably not a good idea. Plus there are better ways to show I am not happy…. Until next time folks…

To be or not to be a bitch? I am thinking yes….

justagirlinvegas — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 00:58:30 +0000

Idon’t really know when things changed, or I guess I should say when I changed. I am not a wilting flower as a friend put it earlier. I am stronger then that. I am not going to back down, I have always stood by what I think and if a fight came from it then so be it. If people wanted to call me a bitch for it then that was fine by me too. When did that change? When did I start worrying more about if people called me a bitch and start just trying to get out of an arguement even if I hadn’t gotten my piece in yet? I am not sure when or how it started really. I think it was a progression really. Now that I know it though…. thats a different story. I do not always know exactly who I am or what I want, thats something thats always evolving. But what I believe in, the things I know I feel strongly about, that is different. That is something worth fighting for and worth getting into a fight or being the bitch for. This is my life and myself here and what is it going to get me down if I am going to back down to every fight? If I keep letting things slide all the time? Thats not going to get me anywhere and it certainly doesn’t make me feel any better about anything so what the fuck am I doing? I am being stupid and I am being one of those people that I strongly dislike. What good is a voice that doesn’t get used or that backs down when things get hard? Not much good from where I am sitting… are people going to fight back? Probably. Am I going to get called a bitch or the even dumber”insult” of being told I am being hormonal? Probably to that one too. Do I care? Not so much to be honest. Let it be what it will and let people think what they want. Thats on them not on me. Let them deal with that themselves. I will know I stood strong and my voice was heard. Now before I am judged here let me say I am not talking about arguing with everyone over everything, but there are some things that are worth getting heated about and worth the risk of being called a bitch. I am okay with that and I am okay with what comes from me standing firm. Its not easy but its alot easier then seeing myself as what it seems I have become now. So fuck it. People have a problem with what I am doing or they want to argue about something that I know I believe in then fine. Bring it on because I am not scared of it anymore. Many people used to say I had a tendency to be a bitch. Well I may have come off as a bitch or bitchy at times but I was heard and when I had something worth saying it was heard. Everybody has an inner bitch or ass, once yours gets pushed aside whatever the reason may be its hard to get it back. And dont get me wrong I do think that there is a time to let it out and a time to keep it in. Mines been in for too long and is looking to get out and settle some shit thats been put on the back burner. Let me be a bitch, it didn’t use to bother me and I don’t know why it ever started to. At least I will have some self respect and I will stop getting walked on by so many people. (For those of you who read this and think does she mean me immediately I most likely don’t mean you and for those who say oh well I know thats not me you are probably wrong. Though there are the few of you who might know exactly what I mean and to who I am refering, for you few good for you;have a cookie….) I am so mad right now and have so many things that I want to just walk around and yell at certain people but going from what I learned in the past I know I have to choose my timing carefully and not just let it all fly because thats not going to get me anywhere. Making a plan to be a bitch ha ha….sounds kinda off, maybe I do have to just let it fly. Not quite sure now, I guess I will see if someone who deserves it steps in my way or if they leave things alone for now. More to follow…